Queer Abby: How Do I Get My Bottom Boyfriend To Want My Cock In His Ass Again?

Hi Queer Abby,  

I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years and our relationship is very loving and healthy, but like many long-term relationships, the sex has slowed down somewhat. We're still active with oral/rimming but we almost never have anal sex anymore (I'm a top and he's a bottom).  Even when I try to spend a long time getting him relaxed and loosened up, he is too tight and bottoming is uncomfortable for him, and he doesn't really seem willing to get himself back in shape to bottom.  I also think he would be more comfortable if he douched first, but he's a little more traditional and I think he thinks that douching is too extreme or only for porn stars or something.  

What do you think is the best way to reintroduce bottoming into a relationship where the sex has gotten a little stale?  And how can I suggest for him to douche beforehand (for both his comfort and mine) without making him feel dirty or shameful about anything?   

- Accommodating Top

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Dear Accommodating Top,

The sexual attraction between two people changes over time, but that fact that you and your boyfriend still find pleasure in oral/rimming means the spark is definitely there. When's the last time you checked in with your bf about his sexual desires? We can be exposed to a lot over nine years, and it could be that your bf wants to try something new in the bedroom, but feels embarrassed to ask. Have a frank conversation, and ask him if there's anything he wants to explore in the boudoir. You can even ask him what he masturbates to. Anything to start a dialogue and get to the bottom of his sexual preferences in 2019, not 2000 (or whenever the last time you guys checked in about your kinks was). Also, if I'm reading your letter correctly, it sounds like you are exclusively a top and your bf is exclusively a bottom. While this is a match made in gay sex heaven, the fact that your bf is coming up with excuses to keep your dick out of his ass makes me wonder if he's toying with the idea of topping. It could be that expressing and living out this or any other desires will reinvigorate his bottoming life (and your topping life).

Also, never underestimate the impact that a change of scenery can have on a longterm relationship. It seems stupidly simplistic, but even booking a last-minute weekend Airbnb a couple of hours outside of town, and getting the hell away from all of your daily stressors, can do wonders for the ol' dick and butthole.

Lastly, I have to say that I'm biased about douching, and prefer that guys just eat healthy high fiber diets. With the right diet, the body does a remarkable job of keeping the bum area clean. Maybe you guys can have the conversation about your bfs kinks over some salads. Good luck! 

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Well, there are my two cents! Please please head to the comments to help out our Accommodating Top, and make sure to send your Queer Abby questions to [email protected].