Economics, Straight Boys, And Sugar Daddies

The Old Whore is back once more to answer all your dirty questions--even the ones you were too scared to ask. After the jump, learn about how the market effects rentboys, where the straight hustlers can be found, and why a sugar daddy isn't always a good idea. Got more questions for The Old Whore? Send him an email!

I'm a thirty-year-old john from Los Angeles and have been hiring guys since I was thirteen. I hired porn stars at sixteen (Aidan Shaw!) and found street hustlers at eighteen. Why do escorts price themselves at 250? ATMs only give out twenties so I often suggest to them to either go 240 or 260.

You hired Aidan Shaw at 16? They should have featured you on My Super Sweet 16 – Gay Whore Edition. I'm always saddened by young johns. They're our future and when we make them pay for sex it's like gay off-shore drilling. We destroy the pristine nature of their sweet, unspoiled bodies. Sigh. But I digress- Sex workers charge $250 base with the idea that you WILL tip. Round up to the nearest twenty Rockerfella! Duh. You tip the cutie at Starbucks , you tip the bitch queen who hides your bald spot, why wouldn't you tip your hustler? Don't worry about 'insulting' us with a tip. Our feelings can't be hurt. It's not that we're insensitive; it's that we're medicated. And how much to tip? The smaller your dick, the bigger the tip. You want us to leave thinking,' What a nice guy!' not 'What a cheap bastard with a tiny dick.'

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Why do hustlers choose such stupid names? It's really lame when a guy adopts a cliché name like Rod, Jock, Brock, Brick, etc. I would recommend to them to pick up some baby name books.

To quote the greatest whore movie on the 20th century, Showgirls, "They don't wanna fuck a Penny dumb-dumb! They want to fuck a Hope, a Tiffany or a Heather!" And Al had it right. You may think that Brick is the name of a mono-syllabic house painter from a night-time soap-opera, but other guys love the Real Porn Star quality of such an appellation. A lot of johns are first timers and want the excitement of hiring a 'real, live big-city hooker.' In the end, it's all marketing. Personally, I like manly names for young hustlers such as Jake or Hank, but some boys lack the subtleties of butch realness.

As for recommending baby name books, I suggest we go a step further. We should hold Hustler Baby Showers where we welcome them into the 'Life' with condoms, flavored lubes and cock rings! We could make Viagra cupcakes and toast with shots of protein mix. But always remember: A whore by any other name would still smell like cigarettes and drug store cologne.

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Lately, I've been into watching straight guys fuck girls. I don't masturbate to it but I just like to watch. I'm having trouble finding straight male escorts. Girls are easy to find and gay guys are a dime a dozen. Where can I find straight guys?

Who doesn't like to watch straight guys fuck chicks? The only thing weird about it is that you're not jacking off. I love watching straight group sex scenes. The hottest thing is when you catch the two butch numbers in the background, taking a break, shootin' the shit and jacking off.

So where can you find straight hustlers? Like, real, honest-to-god straight hustlers? Sorry buddy but straight hustlers are like angels or Madonna's sex appeal; you have to put a bit of imagination into it. Straight guys don't have sex with dudes for money. BUT, thankfully, straight-ish guys with a kinky side will let you suck them off for beer. I recommend hanging around college bars on a Sunday afternoon when a big game is on TV. No matter who wins, there will be a drunken frat boy in flip-flops and a football jersey needing consolation shots and a back massage. But remember, this year's trade is next year's competition.

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I'm in a long-term relationship with a 'generous' man. He gives me everything I want; trips, credit card, a car to take me to school and spending money. All I do is stick around the house on the weekends in case he gets a boner. It's cool but I'm getting bored. I started tricking again to keep busy. Last week I hooked up with this office boy-type who turned out to work with my daddy-man. I'm totally freaked that he's gonna rat me out. Should I come clean? Or hope for the best?

Kill him. Re-book him and feed him a poison slice of guava while you nuzzle in the sauna. You might as well, because, boy, you got more drama going on than a Mexican soap opera.

You clearly are an industrious, self-motivated entrepreneur. But, sadly, "generous" men never seem to appreciate the effort boys put into their work. For future reference, don't shit or fuck where you eat. It's unhygienic and causes frantic packing and reoccurring bouts of homelessness. So, what to do? Two choices: Give the office-boy a freebie and explain your situation. If he's cool, you've got no problem. What ladder-climber doesn't love to have a secret over his boss? If that's not an option (you didn't say if office-boy was a mouth breather or some other un-re-fuckable type), then just stay quiet. The cardinal rule of Kept Boys is not to bring home drama. If the Big Man knows, chances are he will keep it to himself. And if he doesn't yet know, why are you stirring up crap? Chill and be sure to look extra pretty around the house. BTW - find yourself a hobby.

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Previously: Ask The Old Whore Archive