Oh No, Butt Guppies!

The Health Edition: Questions about watching your cholesterol, ridding your sex life of toxins and a warning about Butt Guppies.

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My new boyfriend likes hard boiled eggs shoved up his ass. When we met a few weeks ago, it was all great. We are both versatile and really got off with switching up top/bottom roles. He was always more ass-centered so I usually ended up fucking him or slamming him with a toy or something and that was cool. I like a guy who isn't' afraid to get fucked like a bitch. It's so hot when a furry butch guy spreads his cheeks for a dick and still looks tough. But this egg thing is creeping me out. It seems now that every time I come over there are a dozen chilling in an ice bath. Then I know it's gonna be a whole night of him doing a duck walk around the room, twisting his nipples and making 'gotta poop' faces. Considering some of the things I like to do, I don't' want to judge him, but how do you tell your sex partner you think his kink is stupid?

That reminds me of this guy I used to work with. He would pay me to plop raw eggs into his hole as he gurgled them in his rectum. He was really insistent that I hit the asshole exactly. Without a bull's-eye it just wasn't good for him. Being a Leo, I'm very driven and would end up with a migraine from the intense focus necessary. After every half-dozen or so he would make this wet fart noise and spray the room with what he called 'lava'. I haven't had an omelet since.

What is it with eggs and sex? Joseph Campbell said the world was born from a huge egg and that's the origin of the sex drive. We are all perpetually drilling for the warm drippy center. As for your man, it's not so weird that he likes eggs up his ass. Maybe he's experiencing an Eternal Mother archetype while he drops his brood. If you find the whole thing such a bore, get involved! Dye the eggs for him and add a bit of color to the proceedings. Maybe you could hide your eyes and have him 'lay' them in hidden corners around the house. Every relationship is about compromise. If all else fails, take him to an old age home around Easter and have him do his act in the day room. I don't think it's going to help the elderly any but I know I'd like to see a hairy queen shit an easter egg before I died.

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Me and some girl friends were at happy hour this week talking about the sad John Travolta tragedy. Not only does things like carpet cleaner and bleach have bad shit in them, but one guy is a hairdresser and was telling us about all the terrible toxins in high-lite solution. When we thought about all the chemicals we put in our gay bodies, it's terrifying. Like Nonoxynol-9. Remember when you had to get that stuff in every lube or you were risking your life? Now, it's gone. What gives? Is nonoxynol-9 just another toxin? Are gay's more at toxin health risks due to our overuse of sex jellies and beauty products?

Hmm…yes, we must watch our chemical intakes. And maybe you should cut down on the Cosmo's too. You young'uns might think Nonoxynol-9 is an intergalactic hooker from Stargate:Alantis , but many of us remember when it was touted as the only spermacide that reliably killed HIV. While its claims were true, further research showed that Nonoxynol-9 was so effective at killing microbes it was actually irritating vaginal and anal walls, creating little abrasions that could make HIV transmission more likely. While you still run across condoms branded with "N-9" added, it has generally fallen out of use. The World Health Organization and other AIDS advocacy groups are not actively against N-9 lubes or condoms and encourage people to use them over not using any protection at all.

So, if you've been experiencing some teeth-grinding shaking fits after getting your roots done, you might consider all the other pills and chemicals you've indulged in before you stop cleaning your carpets or fuck raw. Gays are no more likely than anyone else to suffer from home toxins. But if the Jett Travolta situation has you really worried, I would just be sure not to park my Boeing 707 in the driveway.

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I'm a 27 yr old guy who is into older men. Like 50 or 60 even. I hooked up with this very hot guy last week and when we ended up naked on his couch, he said he wanted to get fucked but was afraid he might still have a case of 'anal fishes'. What the fuck is that? I freaked out and took off. We didn't do much other than make out and he sucked me a bit. I never went near his ass. Do I have anything to worry about?

Unless you were fucking Aquaman, I think you're going to be fine.

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Previously: Ask The Old Whore Archive