5 Rules For Behaving Around A Gay Pornstar

Samuel Colt, muscle god and one-half of gay porn's unofficial royal couple, is in NYC! We know New Yorkers aren't used to having pornstars in our fair city, so here are some simple rules to keep you from embarrassing us.

New York City has just about everything except pornstars, who tend to spend a lot of time in the more nudity-friendly climates of California. Thus, the fact that Samuel Colt is making a rare NYC appearance tonight at 8 at the Tribeca Grand Hotel is a big deal! Take it from us: it can be difficult to act sensibly in the presence of a walking, talking sex deity, especially if you're not used to having them around all the time. In honor of Colt's special NYC visit we've made a Guide To Pornstar Etiquette, so that no one need ever stand in front of a porn star, awkwardly panting at them, ever again.

Rule #1: Eye Contact! Eye Contact! Eye Contact!—This rule also applies when talking to chesty ladies and people with distracting mutant growths coming out of their nipples: don't just stare at the pornstar's awesome body, guys. It's rude. We know it is hard—we do spend a lot of time staring at these guys' bodies, after all. But if you're going to try to strike up a conversation with a pornstar then at least attempt to maintain eye contact with them for some of it. They will appreciate the effort.

Rule #2: If You Don't Remember Who They Are Then Ask Somebody—If you're going to accost a porn star then you should try to make sure that you at least remember their name. Trust us, this can be way more difficult than you'd expect when you don't have the Internet available for easy reference. Samuel Colt may be really nice about it when you greet him with a friendly "Arpad! I'm a huge fan!" But we promise that he will resent you for it later.

Rule #3: Have Something To Say—In the same vein, if you are going to accost a pornstar, you should have something to say to them. A simple "I loved you in *random movie/hardcore scene* will suffice, but you should definitely come up with something beforehand. You want to have a little conversational nugget to fall back on if and when you find yourself too star struck and horny to converse normally, and you don't want to force them to do all of the small talk work. Small talk is difficult.

Rule #4: Look But Don't Touch—When you've spent many a late night wanking to your favorite pornstar, running into them in person may come as sort of a shock. You may find yourself tempted to poke and prod them to see if they are really there, or to finally find out what a pair of perfectly carved six pack abs feel like (amazing). You must resist. Gay pornstars may be nice enough to hug you or give you a handshake, but they definitely don't want you getting all paw-y with them. And remember, they are often very muscular and will probably kick your butt if you get weird. This is all moot if the said pornstar is in a go-go boy situation. Then feel free to touch anything outside the bathing suit area, as long as you leave a tip that is as big as their endowment.

Rule #5: Do Not Try To Sleep With The Pornstar—Well, go ahead and try to sleep with the pornstar if you really think he's sending you signals or making eyes at you or whatever. But really guys, he's probably not, so don't try. Always remember that the time you ran into Samuel Colt at the Tribeca Grand and had raunchy sex with him in a back room after a bout of heavy flirting was, in fact, just a fantasy you had the last time you jerked off. JERK OFF FANTASIES ARE NOT REAL LIFE.