Hi Taylor Lautner! Hi Taylor Lautner’s Penis!

December 14, 2010
CALAMITOUS

Here's a picture of oft-shirtless Twilight hunk Taylor Lautner and his penis, beautifully and perfectly outlined in a pair of loose sweatpants or, "the leering gay man's best friend," as we call it. Weirdly, we almost feel bad for staring.

We objectify famous, sexy men on a daily basis and regard doing so as both a profession and a pleasure. This pastime of ours rarely brings us up against any serious moral quandaries, but we are like this close to feeling bad about posting this image of Taylor Lautner's sweatpants-covered peen. After all, it's just a picture of an 18-year-old boy walking to or from the gym, likely oblivious to the glorious embossment happening in his pants. It's one thing when studly celebrities strip off their shirts for the cameras, send ill-advised dick shots to the lovely and trustworthy ladies of Myspace, or moon the cameras for a daytime television show. Being a famous (and well-paid) sex symbol means signing up for a certain amount of scrutiny, and those celebrities are asking for the attention. Hell, Taylor Lautner asks for it all the time. But Taylor Lautner didn't ask to have pervy sex bloggers like us zooming in on pictures of his crotch in a desperate effort to formulate an ever clearer mental image of his cock. Honestly, who would?

Then we realized that we don't actually care that much about what Taylor Lautner may or may not want, and that we should also post this image we've been sitting on for a while of 18-year-old Nick Jonas' surprisingly bodacious booty. Because fuck it. These bitches are legal (albeit, barely). Taylor Lautner, Nick Jonas, and the like are all celebrity sex symbols. Just because that sexiness is aimed at adolescent girls doesn't mean we aging gays can't enjoy the show from the comforts of our ~~cum-soaked masturbation chambers~~ bedrooms. We live in a culture of quickly vanishing privacy and compulsive oversharing. These boys would be sitting at home tweeting their cock shots if the paparazzi weren't doing it for them. So savor these tantalizing images of young, nubile, celebrity man-flesh, tucked into the revealing negligees that some call "athletic gear." Because we deserve the right to ogle, and these boys are well worth the ogling.