The Cockstaurant You’ve Been Waiting For: Tallywackers Beats Its Way to Dallas

April 22, 2015
GARRIDAN-P-FAXTON

FINALLY a restaurant to objectify men!

Dallas isn’t very progressive, and isn’t known for much – besides two eponymously-titled TV shows, Dallas is known as the place where JFK was shot.

Besides that depressing fact, however, Dallas is known for food; Dallas ACTUALLY has more restaurants per capita than any other city in the world, and many of your favorite crap chain restaurants – Chili’s, On The Border, TGI Friday’s, Cici’s, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut – were started in Dallas, or have Headquarters in Dallas.

Dallas also tends to do pretty well in the gay bar area. The city is certainly no WeHo, but it, more or less, tends to be the model for gay strips in Texas and the south. Dallas does have a strip, and a few distinct non-strip areas. Many of the bars off the strip, as well as one on the strip, have dick dancers. There’s a saying here: If it doesn’t work, put a fresh coat of paint on, throw some strippers in, and see if it works.

And someone may ACTUALLY be doing that now.

Over the weekend, a Craigslist ad popped up for Tallywackers, a restaurant coming to Dallas’s gayborhood, which SEEMS to be staffed by half-naked men. Because, in the past, we’ve all wondered why restaurants like Hooters exist, but restaurants that objectify men don’t…until now.

I’m expecting there to be phallic objects, man-meats, and crème-filled desserts for finishers. And if its anything like a gay porn video (Pizza Boy Gangbang, anyone?) There will be sex everywhere. But for now, you'll have to settle for pictures from the marketing photoshoot:

The restaurant goes into a space previously occupied by two failed concepts. Hopefully third time is a charm.

I just wonder if anyone will go. I know the same people who have no problem going to Hooters et al, would probably have a MASSIVE problem with this. Men aren’t typically allowed to be as open with their sexuality as women are, as we see many guys who claim gay-for-pay in the porn world who are actually bi, and many bi guys who are actually gay. Even in real life, many men have problems tipping a dick dancer, but have no problem tipping a drag queen. Some women will even go to a female strip club over a male one. Also, Squirt, which is now advertising its “dating” app on billboards in Dallas has seen push back from both the gay and straight communities in town, but no one seems to have a problem with billboards advertising female strip clubs and adult book stores. It IS Dallas, Texas after all - emphasis on Texas.

But I digress.

Now. If places like Hooters are called “breastaurants”, what does that make Tallywackers? A Cockstaurant? A Peckstaurant? A Bepistaurant? (that's my fave, since 'Bepis' is my fave current slang term for penis). Maybe we won't decide until they're open. If you do end up there, just don't get caught jacking off under the table.