Snow Falling On Seeders: Alpine Wood — A Hazy Shade of Winter

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I will never be that person who whisks off to Aspen or Vail, uses the word "winter" as a verb, or coordinates lumberjack outfits with the best guy buds that I'm rooming with in a pricey mountain chalet.  I've accepted that, so many of the charms of Falcon's Alpine Wood Part 1 are likely lost on me. The presence of way too many tats, de rigueur fade haircuts, and trendoid beards had me put off at first, but Lifestyle Porn has its admirers, and luckily, the largely untanned acres of snowy male flesh on display had me not wishing the whole thing was set in a biker roadhouse bar. 

The movie opens with more flannel on display than five season worth of the Winchester Brothers' wardrobes on Supernatural. Landon Conrad -- whom I initially pegged as the house hussy because he's A) clad in a basic tank and sweats, and B) doesn't even let poor coverboy Ricky Decker finish his sensible morning meal of Grape-Nuts before he sits on the kitchen table and presents -- moves in like a shark.  Brazen!  This scene struck me as having the best physical contrast between its co-stars, with dusky Decker playing nicely against the dark-blond, burr-cut, stubbly Conrad.  Anyway, the weather may be cold, but these two are clearly in heat, Deckers's tongue attached to Conrad's prick like the kid stuck to the pole in A Christmas Story.  Soon enough, Conrad's yanking off Decker's PJs and diving into his ass, chowing down like he'd skipped breakfast himself.  Penetration ensues with the pair rutting like swine, first face-down and then face-up, and Conrad's momentum is so hypnotically steady that I forgot all about my in initial concerns for the hard wood (the table, not the engorged cocks).  Nice ropey cum-shots cap this baby off.

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Up next are Angel Rock and Nick Sterling taking in the local vistas before taking in a bath together.  This scene didn't quite send me, but I can't blame the performers for that.  My problem:  they're just too similar, almost eerily so -- identical heights, body types, haircuts, and even facial hair.  They have enthusiastic chemistry -- working each others rods and holes over like pros -- but when two guys who look like a leading man and his stunt double get it on, I just don't feel it, though clearly a great deal of men are on the make for their doppelgangers in real life.  All that I can think of is Parker Posey's line from The House of Yes when one brother chides her for doing it with the other:  "Fucking a mirror -- that sounds painful."  And for me, it does.  Nevertheless, Sterling, in a nice gesture, unflinchingly takes Rock's load to the mouth.  I'm still amazed how common the oral cum-shot, for years relegated only to straight porn, is becoming in gay porn.

For me, the movie's best scene arrives with Rock -- vying to be the group's all-purpose good-time tart -- joining Jimmy Durano and Luke Milan for a make-out session in a hot tub that promptly heads indoors for some intense knob-polishing.  The heat generated between the three amidst the cold weather is intense, so much so that I can nearly imagine them physically producing stream.  Durano -- with his Romanian features and a Bela Lugosi hairline to match -- has a sort of seedy, predatory hotness to him, looking like he might try to entice you in a nightclub so he can sell you later.  I like that.  Olive-skinned Milan -- the most doe-eyed and fragile-looking of the three -- has great presence as the obvious choice for sexual exploitation.  He delivers, too, gorging himself on two dicks at once before getting his face basted by Rock and Durano, both of whom synchronize their respective pop shots down to the near-second.  This all-oral scene is proof that oftentimes lighter sex is more arousing in place of standard-issue explicit all-anal action.

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No one will accuse any of the guys in this pad of being violets, so I wasn't exactly shocked -- Shocked! -- when our next encounter reveals Kayden Fleming being serviced by Ryan Rose, the two not even concerned about the open bedroom door.  Rose that requisite "exclusive" Falcon look, but Fleming is the real scene-stealer for me.  Full-faced, full-lipped, and full-bodied, he's got that thick-set, curvaceous physique that makes my knees knock.  We're talking va-va-va-voom.  I like a guy who's got some give to his body when I slap him around.  Large-and-in charge, he bends Rose over and pounds home, the uptilt view of his ramming thighs majestic.  By the time he drops his seed on Rose, I was burning with envy.  

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Lastly -- but not leastly -- we're treated to Durano and Chris Bines doing something I can't see myself committing in any conceivable reality:  having a whimsical snowball fight before tumbling to the ground in playful lust.  Within seconds, they're back indoors and giving each other stubble-burn, Durano looking fetching in open longjohns.  Bines isn't my type, but he's a human melange of at least four current stylistic gay trends, so somebody will handle his glamour.  Durano takes control before a picturesque snowy window, and though I just don't feel this pairing together, Durano's quilted-muscle physique looks great in motion, and the facial that punctuates the movie doesn't disappoint.  Jimmy Durano, I officially dub thee Resident Horn-Dog of The House on Bare Mountain.

With a running time of over two hours, you're getting quite the bang for your buck here, and since some of players involved go unused (heh), Alpine Wood Part 2 has more spectacle in store.  I dare say that the nifty extras -- three bonus scenes from The Other Side of Aspen series featuring greats like Ken Ryker, Danny Sommers, Kurt Marshall, and the supremely babe-like Hal Rockland -- were my favorite part. Winter's Bone indeed!