Can I tell you a secret that will probably get my gay card taken away?

I hate Halloween.

Yes. I know. I hate the second-most important gay holiday (behind gay pride). It always interferes with my birthday, and people always get me Halloween-themed stuff (“Here’s a bag of candy corn!”) or just ignore my birthday all together. Planning this year's birthday around Halloween was a mess. Plus, spending hundreds of dollars and hours of time on something you’ll wear for a few hours? That’s just silly. But if you’re still in need of a costume idea, here are some, based on my favorite gay porn scenes.

HAND PUPPET

Kermit the Frog™ never really came alive until someone’s hand was inside his butt, and I know there are some bottoms out there just like that. My favorite hand puppet was always James Aaron (that “ring of fire” tattoo around his hole was…distinctive!)

But if you’re into being trendy, Brian Bonds may be right up your alley (or you may be up his). 

AN ANIMAL-BASED STEREOTYPE

Gay men don’t love labels, but we love hyper-labelizing ourselves (we also love making up words; we are the trendsetters of the world). We also love hyper-labelizing ourselves and using animals as symbols. The costume possibilities are endless! You could be a dog, a bear, a pig, an otter, or even some animal I haven’t mentioned (I’d be something cute like a swan).

Bonus points if you can figure out a way to combine these (like a twinky bear). Speaking of bears… 

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

If you’re the type to do Halloween costumes involving multiple people, and your friends haven’t thought of a costume, and your friends are bears, and there are exactly three of them, then this costume is obviously calling your name. All YOU would need is a blonde wig and a pair of heels. But even if your friends AREN’T bears, they could still dress up as an aforementioned stereotype, because Halloween, and your problems are solved. So even if you do have a wig and heels, but don’t have three friends…   

CHI-CHI LARUE

Or another drag queen.

But if you're gonna be a drag queen, not be one of the most famous ones? 

For many, Halloween is as much about getting ready for the spectacle as it is about the spectacle itself. And in the gay world, drag queens are the ultimate spectacle. The amount of time they take to prepare is admirable. And since Halloween is like gay Christmas, Your costume has to be the best it can be; for some, the more elaborate the better. And nothing is more elab that a drag queen costume. Who chares if you only wear your costume once, for only like 3 hours? You had a hell of a time getting into it, and you looked fierce/fabulous/ferocious. 

ANYTHING IN HEELS. AND/OR STOCKINGS.

For many people, Halloween is a time to let out frustrations. For women, it’s the excuse to dress slutty. Slutty nurse, slutty ebola, (slutty) Ke$ha. But since gay men are sluts MOST of the time, this doesn’t work for us. But how many times have you seen someone using Halloween as an excuse to wear a dress, and / or heels. Like gurl, let your freak flag fly. But at least put on some makeup. And some stockings. Or, go Michael Lucas-style, and forget the dress altogether.

SUGAR DADDY WITH HIS TROPHY

 You don’t even need a costume for this one! Or a holiday, really. Just find someone younger than half your age +7 years, and buy them things. Or, if you’re on the younger side, do the exact opposite. If you need any examples, you could look at anything at Phoenixxx.com, which is basically a "Daddy-and-Boy-Toy" site. 

If you need real-world examples, however, I'd look at Calvin Klein, and his ex-boy-toy, Nick Gruber:

GAY-FOR-PAY

You wouldn’t need a costume for this either!   All you need is a pair of ratty boxers, a disheveled demeanor, and a general look of 2 parts disdain for gay men, 1 part machismo, and 1 part disgust at what you’re getting paid to do. Maybe some straight porn playing in a room nearby.  If you really feel like wearing a costume, wear a closet. Gays like making an entrance anyway.

If you need some inspiration, Here is Duncan, one the latest guys from Chaos Men. Bonus points, if you find a gay-for-pay costume that includes abs.