Ansel Elgort Shirtless Instagram Kills Blogger’s Butthole

July 5, 2017
HIS_EXCELLENCY

Here's a hot tip: Don't jack off for three days. Sit sidesaddle during Baby Driver and stare at Ansel Elgort while gently rocking back and forth on the theater seat. Go home and explode so much that you drown in your own jizz. So how was everybody's Fourth?!

I took Monday evening as an opportunity to sneak a vat of New Amsterdam into the new movie Baby Driver with friends and squeal like a dumb bitch everytime Ansel Elgort did anything. Cute little shoulder dance? Drip. Smoldering glances with those chocolatey brown eyes? Drop. Smirk? Blowout.

The headlines are true "It's good to be Ansel Elgort" @nytimes #BabyDriver
A post shared by Ansel Elgort (@ansel) on Jul 2, 2017 at 12:07pm PDT

Ansel Elgort channels the same douchy swagger as Miles Teller and Shia LaBeouf, except that he does it while biting his pillowy bottom lip and making my thighs stick together. I don't want to be the boy who cries woof (and I'm sure the fact that I lead with that 50% of the time is really convincing) but Elgort really IS sex on a goddamn stick and I'd get some pretty zany STDs just to spend five seconds with him. All the time I need.

While Elgort doesn't show any skin in Baby Driver, he's been heating up Instagram in a major way with some sexy shirtless pics. Take a look in the gallery and tell me you wouldn't drop trou for Ansel! I dare you.