To read this week’s news reports about the latest sex scandal involving British armed forces—this time starring the Beefeaters at Buckingham Palace—you’d think the video footage would be, like, hot or something: “[They] are seen shamelessly exposing themselves to the camera and dancing half naked while swigging from bottles. The four men … are seen fondling each other, dressed in nothing but their prestigious tunics, bearskins and socks.” What you’ll actually see, however, is a blurry jumble of pasty bellies and bowed legs accompanied by a soundtrack that’s nearly as irritating as the bouncing and zooming Scottish Sun logos used to hide all the naughty bits. Sometimes, fantasizing about stuff like this is a lot sexier than the real thing. (Though we’re still holding out some hope for a second clip not yet released which depicts “one guard filming his three colleagues” who then “performs a lewd sex act on one of them and spanks his bare bottoms.” Let’s hope they at least have something different playing in the background for that one.)

You might think that with all the important sex-themed investigations we’ve been busy with around here this week, we wouldn’t have the time or interest to pursue matters political. But we manage to keep up where we can, and so today we dedicate this roundup of some of our favorite moments from the boyblog omniverse to last night’s first presidential debate, which we managed to catch a few minutes of whenever we were able to tear ourselves away from late breaking news updates about Rosie O’Donnell’s departure from The View. So join us after the jump as we examine secret magic spells, the return of a tattooed giant, Pierre Fitch’s foray into the culinary arts, the latest colors in ball support, Thai model gossip and the underthingie catalog as New Age video. (None of which have anything to do with politics or debates, of course, but really—can you blame us?) -VH/JD

All told we have things pretty good here at Fleshbot Central: we get paid to sit around all day eating bonbons while a dedicated army of Brazilian beach babes and Hungarian muscle twinks give us foot massages and refill our crystal goblets with Tab Energy Drink and vodka to keep us blogging for you from the crack of dawn (-ish) to the wee hours of the morning. The hardest part of the job, however, is the constant crap we get from our fellow Gawker Media drones colleagues over our lack of commenter staying power; not that we want end up like those Deadspin guys, mind you, but it does get a little lonely around here sometimes (Brazilian beach babes and Hungarian muscle twinks notwithstanding) and we’re tired of bragging about how smart our readers are without the proof to back it up. However, we realize that some of you new kids are having trouble getting your foot in the door and we want to help cure your CD (comment dysfunction.)

Read more about what you can do to make your Fleshbot experience even more enriching than it already is … and read some of the comments that made our Magic Rainbow Comment Bunny cry after the jump.

For a better idea of all that is gay and sexy in the UK aside from drunken palace guards with pasty white bellies, we recommend thumbing through Tug magazine, dedicated to showcasing all the news that’s fit to, uh, tug to in the London club, sleaze, escort, and porn scene.