Colton Haynes has been all over the news recently thanks to his shocking non-threeway confessional on Andy Cohen's SiriusXM talk show. We now know that Haynes did indeed lose his virginity at thirteen to a man and a woman, but that the two encounters did not happen at the same time. Thanks to an insanely sexy new Instagram picture, Colton's bulge is weighing in on the conversation with "Hey, look over here, who gives a fuck about we lost our virginity. Don't you want to choke on my meaty goodness?"
Yeah. To death. Haynes has been pimping out his new movie, Rough Nights, starring pretty much every female comedian that I have a lesbian crush on. Colton appears as a stripper (hence his adorable blue thong that needs to be on my face Hannibal Lector style like yesterday) in the comedy, and in his Insta picture he cozies up to costar Jillian Bell on set. If you watch masturbatory aid Workaholics, you know that Jillian is really fucking funny.
Obviously, Colton's perfect peach in this picture is just ripe for the lickin', but we can't forget to talk about his absolutely colossal thighs! And don't even contribute them to the power of foreshortening. This is happening. Those thighs, each side of my head, it's a date.