March 24, 2017 | Posted in Editorial Features by
Late night hosts can achieve a cult-like following here in the United States, and now more than ever, audiences are looking to their favorites for perspective and guidance during the Trump presidency. Also, some of them are so fucking fuckable! The men on this top ten list represent everyone from professional political smack-talker Stephen Colbert to professional Brandi Glanville shit-stirrer Andy Cohen. Check 'em out below!
10) Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show
First off, I truly think that Jimmy Fallon is a self-absorbed, stage 4 unfunny ass-licker (but not in the good way), but I'm looking at the late night lineup and realizing we have a solid 9, but not 10. Physically Fallon is fuckable, however, and the fact that he's a raging alcoholic makes me feel like he's down to clown.
9) Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live! (With beard)
Obviously, there are two Jimmy Kimmels in this world, and the one with a beard is the only one that matters. With that beard, I'd definitely go face first into his Kimmels 'n Bits!
8) Trevor Noah on The Daily Show
Physically, Trevor Noah - who took over The Daily Show after Jon Stewart's departure - couldn't be any cuter. Unfortunately, I wouldn't consider him to be "funny" or "relevant." Noah is definitely fuckable, but it would be best if his mouth was stuffed with your dick so he couldn't try to make political jokes that aren't jokes as much as they are factual, often uninspired observations covered with more zest on The View.
7) Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show (Canceled)
If you were a fan of The Drew Carey Show, you know that the manager at Winfred-Louder was pretty hot when you actually thought about it. His face is like, a little wonk, but he's definitely fuck-worthy, and has aged like a fine wine.
6) Carson Daily on Last Call
I didn't know that Carson Daily was still alive. But I definitely wanted to fuck him when I rushed home to watch Total Request Live as a kid, and since he still has a pulse I would of course fuck him. He's looking more and more like Jimmy Neutron, and trust me, that's a good thing.
5) John Oliver on Last Week Tonight
The former correspondent for The Daily Show self-admittedly looks much better without his bangs of yesteryear, and there's just something about his British accent and relentless, passionate political ribbing that makes me want an Olive in my mouth.
4) Seth Meyers on Late Night
Seth Mayers is obviously a power bottom, which might be a turn-off for some of you. His elfin screeching would make him the sexiest, oldest Helix Studios model, and I'm into it. He comes complete with High Grant eyes, an adorable smile, and a solid sense of humor. Let's talk about Seth, baby!
3) Jon Stewart (Former The Daily Show host)
Jon Stewart's snarky, highly political commentary as host of The Daily Show gave many of us a case of the "He says what I think!"s. I also imagine that going down on this sexy little fucker while he's sitting at his desk would have felt more powerful and intoxicating than getting a cigar up your chalupa from Bill Clinton.
2) Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live
First off, If you ever need some good incexy (trademark) daddy quotes just find a Christian blog. Andy Cohen is the openly gay daddy daddy dad dad DADDY who's made a living out of manipulating the feelings of melting rich psychopaths. He's, my hero. With his luscious silver locks and dad-tastic body, there's really only one man in the world who could be more fuckable than Andy Cohen...
1) Stephen Colbert on The Late Show
Ugh, Stephen, what am I going to do with you! I had a crush on Stephen Colbert way back when I watched Strangers With Candy as reruns in high school. The things I would do to his gorgeous head of jet-black hair, sexy thin-lipped smile, fuzzy bod, and fucked up ear are downright unconstitutional. The fact that Colbert's hilarious and doesn't mind talking major shit about Donald Trump on network TV means that he's the full package. What I'm tryin to say is that I've thought about him while masturbating.
Do you have any favorite late night talk show hosts that were left off this list? Are there any in other countries that trump all these guys? Sound off below!