“So You Think You Can Fuck” may just be our favorite porn series/film/everything of the year. Episode 9, called “You’re Fucked,” has jacuzzi sex so steamy the water bubbles by itself. The challenge is so deliciously bitchy we get some real drama. The competition heats up as contestants go for the jugular. As Vera sings, “If I say your fangs are showing, Mame, pull in your claws.”
The clue is mysterious: “The winner of this challenge will not only win, but also get fucked.”
As the dudes ponder what this means, poor, sweet, fading-in-the-background newbie Tony Newport asks, “Am I the bottom bitch again?”
Kevin Crows bitchily responds, “Who else?”
Cut to a booze-fueled party later that night, where the boys are sitting around having a strange discussion about offensive words taken out of context. Oookay. Then the boys are brought upstairs into a room one by one, where host Matthew Rush asks them to… (drumroll, dramatic music, camera pans)…write down the name of the contestant who should get 500 points deducted, and why.
Oh, shit! The claws come out in this Survivor-esque twist. These guys are friends. None of them want to toss their fellow contestants over a cliff. Sadly, they’ve gotta do it. We’ll let you watch the video to see all their choices, but here are our faves:
Mitch Vaughn chose to deduct points from Jimmy Clay. Why? “He’s kind of a box of rocks!!!” Get it, bitch! “He needs to open his mouth when he speaks. He’s just unintelligent.” Damn! We rescind every negative word we’ve said about Mitch Vaughn. We knew he was a bitch, and he proved us fabulously right! While most contestants made their choice based on how they performed in the competition (i.e. not putting enough effort into things), Mitch hits below the belt with a personal attack. We love Fleshbot Crush Object Jimmy Clay as much as the next guy, but, yes…bright he ain’t.
Others chose Jimmy because he’s won too many competitions. Some chose Rick because, even though he’s hot, he occassionally half-asses his performances. Kevin, after tortured debate, chose Rick because of his arrogant attitude about his big dick. My, that’s ironic, because….
The Sex Scene
…Kevin is paired with Rick for the sex scene, giving Kevin a mouthful of that gloating ginger shaft. It’s jacuzzi time, as Kevin does what we haven’t yet scene in the whole series: work up Rick’s dick to at least a stiffened state of semi-arousal.
This steamy scene is a blowjob and rimjob lover’s fantasy. The boys toss themselves all over that jacuzzi, contorting their legs into endless positions with just as many camera angles to work themselves into a sexual frenzy. We finally get a good square look up Rick’s pretty pink rosebud, which we could feast on forever. The pinnacle is when the duo tosses each other into the jacuzzi, doing a fantastically horny underwater 69. Move over Esther Williams! This bubbling sex cauldron would even get Macbeth’s witches to stop chanting and start diddling themselves.
Kevin fucks Rick in an endless series of positions, making the ginger darling cry out in constant pleasure. We don’t give a crap if he’s overacting—it’s hot! The dreamiest moment is when Rick rotates his pale ass on Kevin’s dick, allowing Mr. Crows to lean back and coo in happiness. Rick sure knows how to milk a cock, because Kevin spews enough cum to inseminate every woman in a Texan Cult Commune.
All four judges are left essentially speechless. After rave after rave after deserved rave, their only critique is that Kevin Crows needs to bottom. He’s an insatiable performer who, once he crosses his sexual boundaries, can become a superstar. They predict that the winners will boil down to Jimmy and Rick, our favorites, too. We wish Jeremy Lucido would pipe in more. He has many nice thoughts but is so shy. Then again, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise with the hilarious other chatterboxes. Love ‘em!
Place your vote here, and tune in next week for le grande finale, where the winner is revealed!
Scotty B.: 9.5
Tommy Stone: 10
Jack Shamama: 9
Jeremy Lucido: 9
Fleshbot’s Very Own Cedric DeWittison: 9.5 (Only because Rick didn’t stay hard while being fucked.)
· Episode 9: You’re Fucked (soyouthinkyoucanfuck.net)