Tasteful Friends, Let’s Tour the Body of a Mature Man’s Man

October 7, 2011
CEDRIC-DEWITTISON

Jesus Christ. Sometimes you meet a man who's totally not your type, yet takes your breath away quick as a loving punch in the gut. Today, that man is a mature 42-year-old piece of finely aged beefcake with the unlikely name of Swan of Finland. We'll examine this man's hypnotic allure.

Swan, who originates from his namesake, fancies himself a rockstar, pornstar, and dancer (a.k.a stripper), according to his Model Mayhem account. He's no rockstar, as proven by this truly horrendous music video (NSFA—Not Safe for Anything). We prefer the pornstar part, which word on the street says is straight. Oh, well...at least we've got these photos, most of which show Swan spread eagle, like in the tub above. One glass of dirty bathwater on the rocks, please.

His Body: We admit we aren't generally attracted to daddy types, but fuckin'-A if Swan doesn't have us rethinking our boundaries. That chest emerged from the Temples of ancient Rome. Those abs could wash clean all the clothes in Las Vegas (where he lives). Those arms could asphyxiate a boa constrictor. Speaking of snakes...

His Dick and Balls: The first thing we notice about Swan is that dick. Plump. Thick. Long. It's a sausage begging to be eaten. The thing commands such attention that you can feel its succulent flavor on your taste buds. If only it were found on every Finnish menu.

His Butthole: That daddy ass sends munchability through the roof. A perfect rosebud surrounded by just the right amount of hair reveals natural manhood, without shaving and waxing and primping and plucking.

His Legs: The muscled limbs could rival the mighty Sequoia. Let's not even mention the thickest trunk between his legs.

His Face: Mature. Grizzled. Bearded. With a winning smile, Swan has the handsome looks of the classic Brawny Man. After a few minutes with him, you'll need to pass us the paper towels.