As you go drunkenly out tonight, remember to pay extra attention to the gingers of the world. We can vouch they’re as red hot as their hair.To make them easier to spot, we’ve created a handy dandy randy guide.
Rule 1: Mind the Clothes
Since it’s a school night, don’t let business suits fool you. Office attire can make a redhead look stuffy or pretentious, like the serious Ryan Patrick looks here. It’s as if they won’t be as fun as their coloring promises. Make no mistake, the more clothes the better, since reaching that bright red bush should have all the anticipation of a tightly wrapped gift.
Rule 2: A Naked Redhead is a Happy Redhead
Gingers completely understand the uniqueness of their bushes. Like Blu Kennedy shows here, they’re happier (and harder) when then take off the formal wear to see their true colors shining through.
Rule 3: Make Sure the Curtains Match the Drapes
One of life’s deepest disappointments is when you tear off a ginger’s undies only find black or blond pubes. It’s like discovering the Wonderful Wizard of Oz is nothing but a broken old man! To ensure you don’t get slapped in the face, discreetly cheek out the facial hair, eyebrows, and arm hair. Like James Jamesson, the redder the other hair, the redder the under hair.
Rule 4: Verify the Extra Pale Nipples
Real redheads have nipples that look a tantalizingly lighter shade of pink when compared with blonds and brunettes. They look so much like a delicate pink rose on brink of blossoming that you want to reach out and pinch. The paler pink the nipples, the more vibrant the fuzz below. It’s like finding a four leaf clover…or two, if you bag Randy Blue’s Max London.
Rule 5: Adore the Freckles
Lots o’ freckles are as common on redheads are white powder on LiLo’s nose. Embrace the freckles, love the freckles, kiss each and every freckle. Gingers grew up self-conscious of them, and still need to be reassured they’re okay. Wouldn’t you want to cuddle Cory of StraightFraternity.com?
Rule 6: Beware the Faux-Redhead
Several sites claim Brandon Bangs is a redhead. Maybe I’m colorblind, but Bangs is as red as Charlie Sheen is sober. Don’t let certain shades of amber fool you into taking home a faux red. Brandon’s dark blond pubes and tan nipples reveal his true colors: and it ain’t ginger. Blonds are a dime a dozen, but redheads are the diamonds in the rough trade. Don’t let the trickery of the phony reds fool you into missing out on the real thing.
Rule 7: Verify Their Nation of Origin: On St. Patrick’s day, you might assume that all gingers are actually Irish. This is not the case. Kennedy Carter may look like he wants Erin to Go Braugh, but he is actually English—the sworn enemy of the Irish people. Don’t let them fool you. But it doesn’t really matter where your redhead is from if he’s willing to fuck you.