Naughty “Thugs Need Love, Too” (And Introducing Our Thursday Challenge!)

We do not get out much. Given the choice between sliding dollar bills into the thongs of Nubile Young Things at our local teabagging hotspot or staying in to relive the halcyon days of “Sex and the City”, we will always opt for RNR with SJP on DVD. It may be Stalag Fleshbot, but it’s our Stalag Fleshbot.

However, if the world beyond our windowsill were a little more like Top Dog Productions’ new masturbatory masterpiece “Thugs Need Love, Too”, we might not be so reclusive. Just look at that alluring boxcover: it’s got all the glitz and energy of Times Square, the grit of “Grand Theft Auto 4″, and the hot cock action of … um, hot cock action. It’s like a coked-up art installation, or the world’s jankeyest gay urban shopping mall! It’s all over the map and we love it. So do let us count the ways …

• The design says “We’re gonna rough you up!”, but the title says “We’re gonna kiss you when we’re through!” Just like that hot, closeted linebacker from high school! But without the kissing!

• On the front, everybody’s thugged out with their gang symbols and flipping the bird amidst those Photoshopped bullet holes. But on the back … well, they kinda look like the wait staff from Chili’s. More dichotomies = more hotness!

• Despite all the posturing and promised thug realness, there’s a grand total of two visible tattoos on the performers in this film–and both are of the professionally done tribal (=gay) variety, not the kind with a hollowed out ballpoint pen and some guitar string. And here we were thinking “gangsta” meant having crazy ink all over. We learned something today!

• The use of half a dozen fonts on one wee boxcover kinda gives us a headrush. So much cheaper than Robitussin!

And because we promised (some of) you that we would introduce some sort of contest today, here’s a question: What the hell is that white guy saying on the front of the box? (The one up there at the top, we mean, right beneath “SHOT IN HD”–take a good long look at that full size.) Best caption in the comments wins … well, we’ll think of something. Promise.

· “Thugs Need Love, Too” (adultdvdmarketplace.com)

Author:sturtle

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will

A man of his word! Thanks, Sturtle. But I need more time. Be back later! (Damned bullets.)
will

BTW, do we only get one entry per customer? (Hope so, no bullets necessary!)
will

“Yo, dem thugs all got shaved pubes too. Don’t mean I’m gay, mofo!”

All right, it was spur of the moment.
fairandhandsome

“Snarling CPAs need love too”
DeSilva Surfer

Oh, that’s no gang sign, that’s just one of New Gingrich’s grand-nephews, lashing out at jihadist Rachael Ray the only way he knows how.
Anonymous

“What has two middle fingers and needs some thug lovin’? THIS guy!!”
narymary

S-s-s-s-Samantha Fox!!
narymary

Oh, and for the contest: “Fuck you for noticing my painfully obvious whiteness, yo!”
Merkin

@sturtle: I don’t see that, dude’s just got long fingers. It does look like his dick got caught in his Dyson, though.
Anonymous

“finger twice before f–k–g”

Yes; that one hand… MMM, perhaps an unholy bonding of Carmen Miranda and Robby the Robot?
will

Okay, I call a do-over:

“Yo, white bitch over her waiting to get plowed. . .HELLO???”
will

“…over herE. . .”

Dammit, ruined my masterpiece.
zipper

The mock shock just sank yer battleship.
will

@zipper: If you’re referring to me, that wasn’t mock. I am genuinely pissed at myself.
zipper

@will:Not at you, I just forgot to use the quote symbols.
GayhawkAZ

They kind of look like the waitstaff at Chilis!! LOL!!!!!!

Oh my lord, it’s been a long day if that’s what amused me most about this entire post….
Arch Noble

Those middle-fingers say only one thing: Fuck off! But on the one (left) hand, the cocked thumb means gun (=violent, rough, dangerous); on the other (right) hand, the raised pinkie means class (=refined, fancy, sensitive).

You can take the thug out of Compton/Chili’s, but you can’t take Compton or Chili’s out of the thug.
will

Not that I get another shot, but if I did it would be:

“May I take your order?”
Richard

Keep ‘em comin’, y’all! We’ll cut it off sometime around the end of business (well, for most people) this afternoon.

Also: surprised no one has commented on the weird effect that hack Photoshoppery had on the dude’s fingers. He’s all ET and stuff. Go to the source and see the big version for proof:

[www.adultdvdmarketplace.com]
Merkin

I don’t think he’s saying anything, but I think what’s going through his head is:

“Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top.
Don’t cross our path cause you’re gonna get STOMPED.”
will

@sturtle: I am grateful and humbled by my mention above. It’s not that I live with Ms. Dworkin, but I have far too much porn as it is, so please donate my prize to some needy — hell, treat YOURSELF, you deserve it. (Just no more pissing movies, mister.) For me, the fun is in the hunt, not the kill. Thanks!!
will

Also, I don’t think it was fair that I gave myself two — actually three — chances, but you never did explain the rules!
Richard

All right, it looks like we’ve got a tie, y’all! We enjoyed the nerdy white guy thugness of tcanonfb‘s What has two middle fingers and needs some thug lovin’? THIS guy!!, but also will‘s Yo, white bitch over her waiting to get plowed. . .HELLO???” (The accidental misspelling of “here” gave it a little special Ludacris flava–as in “I ain’t scurred uh you! Get yo ass ovah hurr, beotch!” Hot.)

You’re both entitled to a dip in the FBSB (aka, the Fleshbot Schwag Bag)–although, given the obstacles of geography, we’ll do the dipping on your behalf. Just send an email to sturtle@gmail.com with the appropriate mailing address.

Of course, if you live in a porn-free household or with Andrea Dworkin, you can simply bask in the glow of a job well done, and we’ll donate your prize to a charitable cause. Meaning us, of course.